Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Erin's guide to home shopping

When one decides it is time to buy a home for the first time, there are many, many useful websites to help guide you though the process. But you will very quickly learn that the websites have left out some important bits of information. The most important bit -- unless you have a LOT of money, the process is not as easy as the websites make it sound. Almost equally important is the vocabulary. See, when it comes to real estate, all that glitters cannot be escrowed. So, in order to help future home buyers avoid surprises, I have compiled this useful list of terms.

Adorable bungalow: No closets. Anywhere.

Beautiful lot: Enjoy the yard, because you are going to cry when you see the inside.

Cozy: Roughly the size of a dollhouse.

Charming: None of the three windows open.

Enthusiastic seller: Owner needs to move before his bookie tracks him down.

Enjoyable country living: A total of 10 square feet in the middle of nowhere.

Fabulous investment opportunity: You better have some extra cash and a spare house because you'll need to make this place livable before you can move in.

Fixer-upper: You don't really NEED floors, right?

Great starter home: Good luck fitting furniture in.

Hot area!: Your neighbor will be a crack dealer.

Lots of character!: Unidentifiable smell will never go away.

Motivated seller: Owners entering the witness protection program.

Near Public Transportation: Behind the railroad tracks. On the wrong side.

Needs a little TLC: Ugliest paint and/or wallpaper in the history of the universe.

On golf course!: Windows will need to be replaced.

Original hardwood floors: Oldest, creakiest floors you've ever seen, will never come clean.

Priced to sell: Owners want to get out before the rats actually take over.

Secluded Hide-Away: No utilities.

Waterfront view: Mold may eat your pets.

Young, vibrant neighborhood: College students partying all night next door.

And the most important one of them all.....

Sold as is: Run. NOW.


Candace said...

This post totally cracked me up, mainly b/c it's so true. I think we saw each one of these when we were looking for a house. But don't lose heart - you'll find the right one for you. It may take time...but it's out there.w

Joy Morykon said...

you are soo funny! Brian and i are looking around to see what is out there too and you are so right! TLC is my favorite.

We just looked at a house recently that had this huge cement terrible looking old thing.. it was a base for a water tank years ago. it's right next to the house and a serious eye sore. The best part is that the realtor says "the owner didn't really notice it when she bought the house, she's willing to move it. She realizes now that it bothers SOME PEOPLE" um yeah.. that would be ME! you should have seen it it was huge and ugly..

how you would buy a house with something like that next to it is beyond me!

Hope you find the perfect house for you.. Love you !

Natalie said...

Teehee! :)
You really do have it all figured out. You should write a book or something and make millions! :)

I thought that I had the worst realtor in the world when I was shopping for my house. Then I realized that ALL realtors suck. One of the more memorable crap-holes that I was shown looked like someone lit a box of fireworks off in the kitchen (or what was left of the kitchen). The realtor said that it was very cute and just needed a little bit of work.

Brian said...

Too funny Erin. The post reads like one of those rare email forwards that you're actually glad you read. It should be published somewhere. Or at least endlessly forwarded with an intro like "forward this to 5 of your house hunting friends or else the next house you buy will be eaten by termites!"

Melody said...

I love is so true unfortunately. Great dictionary of home buyers terms.

heather said...

so true. sigh...