I know it's been a long time, and this will probably be a long, whiny post, so I apologize in advince for anyone hoping for witty -- there's no witty today.
Last Friday I found out Madeleine L'Engle died. I realize that it may seem odd to some, but for me, it was like losing a favorite grandparent. She was, and is, instrumental in my life. Even so, I have been surprised at the degree of grief I have experienced. Even now, a week later, if I think too much about it I find myself welling up, and as we have all experienced, grief magnifies and intensifies the normal hardships of life until the mundane becomes overwhelming.
Sounds bothered me a lot more than usual this week. Everything seemed so much louder than normal, and students yelling to one another in the hallway, usually just an annoyance, became a irritant beyond reason. A trash can being pushed down a hallway behind me made me want to cover my ears. Whispers during a class assignment made me irrationally angry, and even normal conversation level was difficult to maintain. High school is a noisy place, and when the smallest sounds feel like needles in your soul, it is very nearly an impossible place.
On Tuesday I was observed, and on Wednesday I taught an inservice for new teachers. Even though both went well, I even got what I would consider rave reviews, both events made my stress level for the week much higher than normal. I have a terrible time facing judgement.
I haven't been sleeping; I try, but mostly I just lie there and contemplate the ceiling fan. It's hard to resist the urge to turn the light on and read - if I am awake anyway, I might as well, right? I try and resist, if I stay up reading I certainly won't sleep, but the temptation is always there, and the effects of all those insomniac nights are increasing. My students laugh when I forget how to say a word or lose my train of thought again and again, and I play it off as ditziness, but it scares me to feel my mind slipping like that. As the sleep deprivation continues, the effects pile one upon another, growing exponentially.
My week is almost over -- 2 1/2 more classes, a rehearsal, and then I can let go...hopefully I can get some sleep, cry a little, and next week life can return to normal.