The truly terrifying.

Horror movies have never held much interest for me. I realize that the scary-movie genre (not to be confused with the Scary Movie series) makes millions of dollars per year, but none of that money is coming from me. I have seen a few horror movies, mostly on reruns on cable networks, and the appeal is totally lost on me.

The irony, of course, is that Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my favorite television show and in my opinion one of the best ever produced, is technically considered horror. With a few notable exceptions (like Hush) Buffy isn't really scary. From my experience, not many horror movies are really scary -- most are either ridiculous or gruesome, but nothing particularly frightening. Again, there are some notable exceptions, as I learned the hard way when I stupidly watched Poltergeist 2 by myself at night and thought I might wet my couch.

The really scary stuff is not to be found in the movies, it hides in life itself. For example, right now I have on my desk a giant stack of papers graciously provided to me by the good people at Wachovia so that I can apply for a mortgage. When I saw the size of the package, I felt a tiny twinge of guilt at my contribution to the destruction of the rain forest -- I feel certain that several trees gave their lives so that I could be a homeowner. I also feel some amount of gratitude for my years at Nationwide insurance -- thanks to their insistence that I learn to understand the verbiage of insurance contracts (second only to the devil himself in their evil) the wording of all of the mortgage paperwork is not nearly as intimidating as it first appears. I think the papers may be listening to too much Usher though, because they are definitely multiplying (if you don't get that, you need some pop-culture lessons, stat). What looked like a perfectly manageable pile at first has grown to gargantuan proportions. The papers I have worked through look a little odd, thanks to the small army of post-its stuck to every page on which I have a question, or a comment, or a correction, or that I need to sign. I refuse to sign anything I have not read and understood in its entirety, particularly when it was written by corporate lawyers. Therein lies the real horror; not Freddy anybody, or Michael Meyers, but corporate lawyers.